Life Break Coach- Midlife Crisis Option 1

I could have an affair with one of the many men beating down my door. What man wouldn’t want an overweight, middle-aged, mother of three?  Unfortunately, this would inevitably lead to divorce, family upheaval, and dating (Gasp!) again.  A few of my friends have made this choice in the throes of mid-life. They succeeded in changing their lives, but at a high price.  Their families were ripped apart and hearts were broken.  In addition to the emotional expense, years of marital financial planning ended with substantial funds lost to lawyers, new living expenses and early withdrawal penalty fees.  I guess this seems a small price to pay to the hopeless and unloved. Personally, I would rather spend the money on a long vacation. 

Even if I looked like Diane Lane and Oliver Martinez was trying to seduce me into following him to the back room of a restaurant to have a wild, passionate tête-à-tête, I wouldn't be unfaithful to my husband.  After twenty-two years of marriage and three kids, I was still madly in love (if not always in like) with Greg; I was just too tired to demonstrate it. The only thing I fantasized about was baking bread. (I know. My husband is a lucky man.)  While running through the mall to pick up another birthday present, I stopped in Williams-Sonoma and gravitated to a book on bread baking.  Thumbing the pages, I felt consumed with envy.  I was jealous of the author having the time to grow and feed a starter, work the dough, wait for the rise, and then, bake the bread. I put down the book with a sigh and glanced at my cellphone’s clock- Yep, late again. Something was really wrong when a person didn’t have time to dream.  How could I possibly have time for an affair?

What is Option #2?

Life Break Coach- Identifying the Problem- Part 2

Does this sound like YOU? (read part 1)

After work, my daughter asked me to play a game with her and I automatically said no.  I didn't even consider it.  I had so many papers to grade and forms to fill out for my 101 students that I didn't even think about taking a break to play with my rapidly growing eight-year-old girl.  As she walked away, I could hear "The Cat's in the Cradle" playing on the radio in my head.  I actually liked that song when I was a kid- not a favorite now.  I wasn't some corporate, high-paid executive, jetting all over the world for power meetings, but I was missing my kids' childhoods just the same.  When I thought about it I realized I spent more time with other people's children than my own.  

My life exhausted me without fulfillment. I collapsed into bed each night bone-tired, but bored and unable to sleep.  My exhaustion made me cranky and in constant need of a nap.  More and more, I worried that there was something physically wrong with me.  When I spoke with friends about this, they all said they felt the same way and added, “But hey, what are ya gonna do?”  How did we get into this competitive American marathon of running non-stop from our mid-twenties to our mid-sixties?  If I were this tired in my forties, how would I ever enjoy retirement life?

I started fantasizing about baking bread. (I know. My husband is a lucky man.)  While running through the mall to pick up a birthday present, I stopped in Williams-Sonoma and gravitated to a book on bread baking.  Thumbing the pages, I felt consumed with envy.  I was jealous of the author having the time to grow and feed a starter, work the dough, wait for the rise, and then, bake the bread. I put down the book with a sigh and glanced at my cellphone’s clock- Yep, late again. Something was really wrong when a person didn’t have time to dream.

I couldn't sleep or enjoy my husband and children because I had built an over-scheduled life that made me stressed and unhappy.  There had to be something better.  But at midlife, what choices did the dissatisfied have?

LOOK FOR MY NEXT POST:  Options

Life Break Coach- Identifying the Problem Part 1

At the age of forty-three, I found myself stuck in suburbanite purgatory frantic to escape.  I felt like the woman in that Far Side cartoon- the one where a couple are in a car, studying a map, lost in the country of Nowhere, when they come upon a road sign that reads, “Entering the middle,” and the woman says, “Well, this is just going from bad to worse.”  

One morning, I woke up and realized my husband and I were that couple, except we weren’t just driving through- we were living in “Nowhere” with every waking minute filled with middle of life details and responsibilities. From practices to meetings, from rehearsals to lessons, we weren’t enjoying our children; heck, we hardly ever saw them. 

One time, picking up our oldest, Anabel, after chorus practice, I drove right past her.  I didn’t recognize her standing on the sidewalk because she had grown seven inches that year.  Usually, when I saw Anabel, she was sitting in the car (ear buds in- listening to her iPod) on our way to the next obligation or lying in bed (ear buds in- listening to her iPod) as I kissed her goodnight when I got home from work or meetings. I was teaching at two schools, writing a book, running the kids around to their schools, music lessons, baseball, dance, horseback riding, academic bowl, friends, church, along with volunteer work of student mentoring, chaperoning field trips and being PTA president. “No” was not part of my vocabulary. I realized our family hardly knew each other.  Things were definitely going from bad to worse. 

If this sounds like you, you may need a life break... Read Part 2.

Frogmore Stew

To truly inhabit a new place, one must dine on the local fare.  Greg embraced this theory in South Carolina and immediately, set his crab pot in the water for a good three-day soak.  Each day, he would send Wyatt out to count the blue crabs and Wyatt would bring back a full report.

           “We’ve got four blue crabs, one stone crab and a croaker.” Greg released the stone crab, but placed the croaker in the bait trap.

           “We’ve got seven blue crabs, one stone crab and a hermit crab.”  Greg released the stone crab and I used the hermit crab for an ecosystems’ science lesson.

           On the third day, Wyatt ran in, out of breath, and announced, “We’ve got fourteen blue crabs, some kind of wiry crab and an octopus!” 

This was something new so we all took off for the pier.  Sure enough, our crab trap held a gooey, squishy eight-legged octopus.  Greg gently pulled it out and set it briefly on the pier for closer examination.  We all stared, speechless.  How could such an odd looking creature exist on our same planet? Its slick, burnt orange skin shimmered in the late afternoon sun.  It lifted one tentacle revealing tiny suckers on its underside. Placing the tentacle back on the pier it lurched forward, trying to escape.

Anabel looked worried. “We’re not eating this, are we?”

“Not today, but take a picture, quick, before I put it back in the water.  This is definitely going on Facebook!” said Greg.  He shoved his phone in her hand and she clicked a few shots as the octopus clamored for the pier’s edge.  Greg deftly lifted it up and tossed it back in the ocean.

“Have a good life, Mr. Octopus! Next time, stay away from our crabs or I won’t be so nice.”  He hummed Octopus’s Garden as he and Wyatt loaded the blue crabs into our bucket.  Greg was starting to let go of our old responsibilities and enjoy sabbatical life.  Holding Emma’s hand as we made our way back to the house, I watched Greg’s shoulders relax as he told Wyatt and Anabel the ingredients he’d picked up in town for Frogmore Stew, tonight’s special dinner. (Frogmore Stew was invented in the Frogmore Community on nearby Saint Helena Island by shrimper, Richard Gay of Gay Seafood Company, when he was throwing together found ingredients for fellow National Guardsmen in the 1960s.  Everyone liked it so much, he shared the recipe;  today, many consider it the unofficial dish of South Carolina.)

“You need: 2-3 heads of garlic, 2-3 onions, 2-3 lemons, a box of Old Bay seasoning and a packet of Zatarain’s Crab Boil.  You put all that in a big pot and set it to boiling.”

“When do you put in the sausage? That’s my favorite part,” asked Wyatt.

“Not yet.  Next, you add to the water: 3 pounds of small red potatoes. After about 20 minutes, you add 6 ears of corn- cut in half, a pound of Andouille sausage- cut in sections and as many blue crabs as you can catch. And last, you add the shrimp- 2-3 pounds depending on how many you're feeding.  Immediately, put the lid on and cut the heat off.”

“Do the shrimp cook that fast?” asked Anabel.

“Yep. As soon as they hit the hot water, they’ll start turning pink.  When they’re all pink, it’s time to eat.  Remember, the two things most people do wrong are they under season and overcook."

“I’m hungry,” said Emma.  “When’s dinner?”

            “You’re always hungry,” I said giving her a huge hug and adding, "Soon!"

*Always serve Frogmore Stew (also known as Low Country Boil) with crusty French bread, cocktail sauce-heavy on the horseradish, a nice bottle of white wine for the adults and sweet tea for the kids.