Life Break Coach- Midlife Crisis Option 2

If an extra-marital affair is out, what is another option for dealing with my midlife crisis?

I could go on drugs.  The legal ones. You know- Prozac, Valium, Paxil, Zoloft, etc. – like my doctor suggested when I told her how stressed I felt- how I wanted to jump out of my skin occasionally.  

That is normal, right?  Everyone feels that way at midlife- that's what makes it a CRISIS.  We are the drug nation.  All my life I've heard,  "Feel bad? Take a pill."  I get that for an infection, a major illness, or even a bad headache, but should I force my brain to attend to the sometimes mind-numbing American way of working to live, and living through our kids, or worse, television? Am I really depressed or just bored? 

My parents went the anti-depressant route after the devastating death of my brother.  John had been the golden child, but was lost to painkillers years before his death.   When he died, a major part of my parents died with him.  I had hoped the anti-depressants would bring them back, but with no therapy at work with the medications, there was little positive change;  I have never heard of drugs mending a broken heart, anyway.  A few years later, my mother broke her back in a bus accident at work.  Her only solace after my brother's loss had been gardening and even that was taken from her.  It's no wonder that drugs became a crutch for my mom and dad.  My sister and I tried to help to no avail.  After multiple surgeries, all we could do was watch as our mother slowly retreated into an Oxycontin haze.  Our father dealt with the situation looking like Richard Nixon campaigning for president holding two V signs in the air- only Daddy’s Vs weren’t for Victory; they were for Vodka and Valium.  

Not my dad...but eerily similar.

While I have friends for whom medication and therapy have been very successful, I believe I am more bored with my life than depressed about it.  And losing, for all intents and purposes, three immediate family members to the pitfalls of medication, I calmly - I didn't want her to think I was nuts- said, "No, thank you," to my doctor.  (Besides, I think the drugs for boredom fall more in the recreational variety, which I don't think my doctor would recommend...)

Option three, please...

Life Break Coach- Midlife Crisis Option 1

I could have an affair with one of the many men beating down my door. What man wouldn’t want an overweight, middle-aged, mother of three?  Unfortunately, this would inevitably lead to divorce, family upheaval, and dating (Gasp!) again.  A few of my friends have made this choice in the throes of mid-life. They succeeded in changing their lives, but at a high price.  Their families were ripped apart and hearts were broken.  In addition to the emotional expense, years of marital financial planning ended with substantial funds lost to lawyers, new living expenses and early withdrawal penalty fees.  I guess this seems a small price to pay to the hopeless and unloved. Personally, I would rather spend the money on a long vacation. 

Even if I looked like Diane Lane and Oliver Martinez was trying to seduce me into following him to the back room of a restaurant to have a wild, passionate tête-à-tête, I wouldn't be unfaithful to my husband.  After twenty-two years of marriage and three kids, I was still madly in love (if not always in like) with Greg; I was just too tired to demonstrate it. The only thing I fantasized about was baking bread. (I know. My husband is a lucky man.)  While running through the mall to pick up another birthday present, I stopped in Williams-Sonoma and gravitated to a book on bread baking.  Thumbing the pages, I felt consumed with envy.  I was jealous of the author having the time to grow and feed a starter, work the dough, wait for the rise, and then, bake the bread. I put down the book with a sigh and glanced at my cellphone’s clock- Yep, late again. Something was really wrong when a person didn’t have time to dream.  How could I possibly have time for an affair?

What is Option #2?

Life Break Coach- Identifying the Problem- Part 2

Does this sound like YOU? (read part 1)

After work, my daughter asked me to play a game with her and I automatically said no.  I didn't even consider it.  I had so many papers to grade and forms to fill out for my 101 students that I didn't even think about taking a break to play with my rapidly growing eight-year-old girl.  As she walked away, I could hear "The Cat's in the Cradle" playing on the radio in my head.  I actually liked that song when I was a kid- not a favorite now.  I wasn't some corporate, high-paid executive, jetting all over the world for power meetings, but I was missing my kids' childhoods just the same.  When I thought about it I realized I spent more time with other people's children than my own.  

My life exhausted me without fulfillment. I collapsed into bed each night bone-tired, but bored and unable to sleep.  My exhaustion made me cranky and in constant need of a nap.  More and more, I worried that there was something physically wrong with me.  When I spoke with friends about this, they all said they felt the same way and added, “But hey, what are ya gonna do?”  How did we get into this competitive American marathon of running non-stop from our mid-twenties to our mid-sixties?  If I were this tired in my forties, how would I ever enjoy retirement life?

I started fantasizing about baking bread. (I know. My husband is a lucky man.)  While running through the mall to pick up a birthday present, I stopped in Williams-Sonoma and gravitated to a book on bread baking.  Thumbing the pages, I felt consumed with envy.  I was jealous of the author having the time to grow and feed a starter, work the dough, wait for the rise, and then, bake the bread. I put down the book with a sigh and glanced at my cellphone’s clock- Yep, late again. Something was really wrong when a person didn’t have time to dream.

I couldn't sleep or enjoy my husband and children because I had built an over-scheduled life that made me stressed and unhappy.  There had to be something better.  But at midlife, what choices did the dissatisfied have?

LOOK FOR MY NEXT POST:  Options

Life Break Coach- Identifying the Problem Part 1

At the age of forty-three, I found myself stuck in suburbanite purgatory frantic to escape.  I felt like the woman in that Far Side cartoon- the one where a couple are in a car, studying a map, lost in the country of Nowhere, when they come upon a road sign that reads, “Entering the middle,” and the woman says, “Well, this is just going from bad to worse.”  

One morning, I woke up and realized my husband and I were that couple, except we weren’t just driving through- we were living in “Nowhere” with every waking minute filled with middle of life details and responsibilities. From practices to meetings, from rehearsals to lessons, we weren’t enjoying our children; heck, we hardly ever saw them. 

One time, picking up our oldest, Anabel, after chorus practice, I drove right past her.  I didn’t recognize her standing on the sidewalk because she had grown seven inches that year.  Usually, when I saw Anabel, she was sitting in the car (ear buds in- listening to her iPod) on our way to the next obligation or lying in bed (ear buds in- listening to her iPod) as I kissed her goodnight when I got home from work or meetings. I was teaching at two schools, writing a book, running the kids around to their schools, music lessons, baseball, dance, horseback riding, academic bowl, friends, church, along with volunteer work of student mentoring, chaperoning field trips and being PTA president. “No” was not part of my vocabulary. I realized our family hardly knew each other.  Things were definitely going from bad to worse. 

If this sounds like you, you may need a life break... Read Part 2.